Wayne's Journey

I am going to tell our story the way it was for me.

When I was 17, I started dating Julia.  Our relationship was not healthy.  We didn't communicate at all and it was built on sex.  We both thought we loved each other, but it was not a healthy love.  When I was 18 we got married cause Julia was pregnant with our child.  Like Julia said in her story, we had 3 kids in a little less than 4 years.

Because our marriage was built on sex and we had the children so close together, sex for Julia became an awful thing.  Sex to me is a way I felt connected to her.  So after years of her hating it and me craving for it, we became very distant.  I started looking to other things to meet that need in my life.  Pornography became that outlet for me.  The more involved I got with porn, the more I wanted sex.  And the more I wanted sex, the farther Julia pulled away from me.  While I was in porn, I couldn't love Julia the way I should've and I couldn't meet her needs either because it was all about me and what I wanted.

Pornography was a safe place where I could go and not be hurt or rejected.  It also met my need for sex.  The problem with getting into porn is that it is all fake and pretend.  At first I thought it was a way I could help make our sex better.  But the more involved I got with porn, the more I wanted sex.  If Julia didn't give me sex when I wanted it, I would become very grumpy and take it out on her and the kids.  So the more I pushed for it the more she hated it and the more she hated it, the deeper I got into porn. Oh, what a cycle we were on!

The longer I was into porn the bolder I became.  It finally got to the place where nothing was going to stop me.  I started watching porn while Julia was home and I felt like I could make any comments to any lady and they would like it.  I thought I was invincible.  Let me tell you, sin will ALWAYS take you farther than you want to go.

This takes me to 2 years ago.  One day at work while delivering a shed for a customer, the lady came out to pay and I said a sexual comment to her.  She immediately got mad at me.  I knew right then and there I needed to tell Julia and I needed help.

I started going for counseling and that's where I started my knew journey of life.  At the time, I didn't realize that me being into porn had anything to do with what I said to the lady.  As my counselor and I talked, he helped me to connect the dots.  When I realized I needed to stay away from porn, my counselor helped me block our computer.  He also told me I needed to get closer to God and have a relationship with Him.  When we are closely connected to God, sin doesn't have as strong of a hold on our lives as what it does when we are not connected with God.  Let me just say, I had an amazing counselor.  He has impacted my life in a huge way!!

So my journey of healing and freedom had started.  After I told Julia I was into porn, I felt so free!  I was ready to start my new life and marriage.  Only to realize that Julia was plunged into despair and hopelessness.  I felt extremely bad, but I knew right then and there that I was not going to stop fighting for her.  I was going to do whatever it takes to help her fight through this.

During this time, I thought because I have our computer blocked, that I am free from porn.  Only to discover later that I wasn't totally free.  Julia bought me a set of Cd's called Every Man's Battle.  Through listening to them I realized I had a lot more work to do in my life.  The way I was taught growing up was if you had a sexual thought towards a lady it was her fault because of the way she dresses.  After listening to the Cd's, I knew that I was wrong.  God created men to see beauty but it is up to us what we do with it.  We can either lust or we can train our minds to think of a Bible verse, sing a worship song or think something else positive.  It is NOT the ladies' fault if I choose to sin.  Yes, Christian ladies should help to make it a safe place for men by how they dress.  But if they choose not to, it is still my fault if I lust after them.  After hearing this, it brought porn to a new level for me.  I knew that seeing porn on the Internet wasn't the only thing I had to change.  I also had to change my mind and what I thought when I saw ladies.  Whether it was ladies in real life or on TV, I still needed to honor Julia.

This journey has been very hard, but with God's help I am making progress.  Being open and honest to Julia has also been helpful.  I also have two men who have become my mentors.  I talk to them often and without their help I don't know where I would be today.  They pray for me, with me and over me.  They give me lots of advice and simply honor me for who I am.

I thank God for my beautiful wife, my children, my counselor and the men He has placed in my life to help me.  I love the church we attend.  I have learned so much in the past year and a half we attended.  I have learned to be open and honest about my feelings, no one is perfect and we all need each other to get through life.

I am writing my story, not because I'm proud of what I did, but because I want to help other men who struggle the way I did.  Hearing other people's stories have helped me on my journey.  I want to offer the same to others.  God's grace and forgiveness is amazing!  My journey is far from over but my prayer is to keep persevering and to keep growing into the man God wants me to be.  I also want every man who reads this and struggles with porn to find the freedom I have.  Find good Christian men to talk to and walk with you.  But not only that, find God.  He is big enough for our worst kept secrets and He is the only person who can give us true freedom.

Keep praying for me, Julia and our children.  Satan keeps trying to destroy us but with God we make a mightier team than Satan.  The road is long and we get weary, but we want to keep pressing on so that at the end of life God can say "well done thou good and faithful servant."  Thanks for caring.