Our story part 1, The beginning of our life together

 I'm going to start with Wayne and my background and move on with our story.....

I grew up in a Christian family and went to church all my life.  I have wonderful parents that love me and taught me about life the best they knew how.  I have 5 siblings with myself being the youngest.  The one thing that I did not know about or understand was the generational sin of not feeling "good enough."  I knew growing up that I felt that way but I never told anyone nor did i know what to do with it so i just acted like I had life all together.  I thought I didn't need people and looking back I didn't really trust God because I thought I wasn't good enough for Him either.  I put up really high walls to protect myself from not being liked or wanted.

Wayne also grew up in a Christian family and attended church regularly.  He too had caring, loving parents.  There are 6 children in his family with him being the youngest and he was also a twin.  From his family line comes a generational sin of sexual sins.  Because his parents came from the Amish, they didn't talk much about the sexual sin so Wayne never understood how bad it was and all the underlying feelings that goes with the sexual sin.  Before i go any farther i want you to understand that I am not blaming our parents or anyone else.  I'm writing this so you understand where we came from and how it impacts the rest of our story.

We met each other when I was 18 and Wayne was 17.  I wasn't going to like him because I thought he was too cocky.  But he paid attention to me.  Do you get that??? I was liked!!!  We were together more and more then started dating.  Our dating was not healthy because of the generational sins we were both carrying in our lives.  Our dating time mostly consisted of us being alone and ultimately having sex together.  Several months after we were together I ended up getting pregnant.

After talking about what to do, Wayne was committed to getting married and helping me raise our precious baby.  So at the ages of 18 and 19 and seven months pregnant, we got married. Two months later our first son was born.  He was a precious baby and we loved him dearly!!!  But getting married did not take away all our baggage that we had.  We did go for counseling at first but life was still so overwhelming.  Trying to adjust to marriage and a newborn was really hard.  Nineteen months later we had another precious baby boy. Two years later we had a precious baby girl, making three children in less than four years.  None of them were planned by us but they were planned by God.

 I started getting angry at God because I felt like he could do something to make me quit getting pregnant all the time.  Didn't He care about our marriage??  I didn't tell anyone I was mad at God - I don't even know if I really realized it at the time.   I started shutting down emotionally and simply surviving.  Remember, I didn't trust God to start with because I wasn't good enough.

Because our dating relationship was built on sex, we never learned how to communicate and sex became a very negative thing for me.  So much so that at the thought of having sex, I would almost panic and throw up.  I never communicated any of this to Wayne; it also didn't help that his love language is touch.  Not that he could change that even if he wanted to, but his desire for sex was so much stronger than mine.  So the years went on with both of us stuffing all our feelings and simply surviving and acting like we had a good marriage.  It's amazing how much you can hide in your life if you want to.  3 1/2 years later we had another precious boy which completes our family of 4 kids.

This leads me to the fall of 2010.  A time that took me to my lowest point ever and a time that forced both of us to deal with our issues.

To be continued.......