I am going to tell our story the way it was for me.
When I was 17, I started dating Julia. Our relationship was not healthy. We didn't communicate at all and it was built on sex. We both thought we loved each other, but it was not a healthy love. When I was 18 we got married cause Julia was pregnant with our child. Like Julia said in her story, we had 3 kids in a little less than 4 years.
Because our marriage was built on sex and we had the children so close together, sex for Julia became an awful thing. Sex to me is a way I felt connected to her. So after years of her hating it and me craving for it, we became very distant. I started looking to other things to meet that need in my life. Pornography became that outlet for me. The more involved I got with porn, the more I wanted sex. And the more I wanted sex, the farther Julia pulled away from me. While I was in porn, I couldn't love Julia the way I should've and I couldn't meet her needs either because it was all about me and what I wanted.
Pornography was a safe place where I could go and not be hurt or rejected. It also met my need for sex. The problem with getting into porn is that it is all fake and pretend. At first I thought it was a way I could help make our sex better. But the more involved I got with porn, the more I wanted sex. If Julia didn't give me sex when I wanted it, I would become very grumpy and take it out on her and the kids. So the more I pushed for it the more she hated it and the more she hated it, the deeper I got into porn. Oh, what a cycle we were on!
The longer I was into porn the bolder I became. It finally got to the place where nothing was going to stop me. I started watching porn while Julia was home and I felt like I could make any comments to any lady and they would like it. I thought I was invincible. Let me tell you, sin will ALWAYS take you farther than you want to go.
This takes me to 2 years ago. One day at work while delivering a shed for a customer, the lady came out to pay and I said a sexual comment to her. She immediately got mad at me. I knew right then and there I needed to tell Julia and I needed help.
I started going for counseling and that's where I started my knew journey of life. At the time, I didn't realize that me being into porn had anything to do with what I said to the lady. As my counselor and I talked, he helped me to connect the dots. When I realized I needed to stay away from porn, my counselor helped me block our computer. He also told me I needed to get closer to God and have a relationship with Him. When we are closely connected to God, sin doesn't have as strong of a hold on our lives as what it does when we are not connected with God. Let me just say, I had an amazing counselor. He has impacted my life in a huge way!!
So my journey of healing and freedom had started. After I told Julia I was into porn, I felt so free! I was ready to start my new life and marriage. Only to realize that Julia was plunged into despair and hopelessness. I felt extremely bad, but I knew right then and there that I was not going to stop fighting for her. I was going to do whatever it takes to help her fight through this.
During this time, I thought because I have our computer blocked, that I am free from porn. Only to discover later that I wasn't totally free. Julia bought me a set of Cd's called Every Man's Battle. Through listening to them I realized I had a lot more work to do in my life. The way I was taught growing up was if you had a sexual thought towards a lady it was her fault because of the way she dresses. After listening to the Cd's, I knew that I was wrong. God created men to see beauty but it is up to us what we do with it. We can either lust or we can train our minds to think of a Bible verse, sing a worship song or think something else positive. It is NOT the ladies' fault if I choose to sin. Yes, Christian ladies should help to make it a safe place for men by how they dress. But if they choose not to, it is still my fault if I lust after them. After hearing this, it brought porn to a new level for me. I knew that seeing porn on the Internet wasn't the only thing I had to change. I also had to change my mind and what I thought when I saw ladies. Whether it was ladies in real life or on TV, I still needed to honor Julia.
This journey has been very hard, but with God's help I am making progress. Being open and honest to Julia has also been helpful. I also have two men who have become my mentors. I talk to them often and without their help I don't know where I would be today. They pray for me, with me and over me. They give me lots of advice and simply honor me for who I am.
I thank God for my beautiful wife, my children, my counselor and the men He has placed in my life to help me. I love the church we attend. I have learned so much in the past year and a half we attended. I have learned to be open and honest about my feelings, no one is perfect and we all need each other to get through life.
I am writing my story, not because I'm proud of what I did, but because I want to help other men who struggle the way I did. Hearing other people's stories have helped me on my journey. I want to offer the same to others. God's grace and forgiveness is amazing! My journey is far from over but my prayer is to keep persevering and to keep growing into the man God wants me to be. I also want every man who reads this and struggles with porn to find the freedom I have. Find good Christian men to talk to and walk with you. But not only that, find God. He is big enough for our worst kept secrets and He is the only person who can give us true freedom.
Keep praying for me, Julia and our children. Satan keeps trying to destroy us but with God we make a mightier team than Satan. The road is long and we get weary, but we want to keep pressing on so that at the end of life God can say "well done thou good and faithful servant." Thanks for caring.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Part 2 of our story: Being Burned and Molded
November 23, 2010, two days before Thanksgiving, was a day that changed my life and our marriage forever. My life and marriage was turned upside down and I was now living every woman's worst nightmare.
It was a Tuesday and as much as I can remember it was like any other day until Wayne came home from work. I was upstairs in our room and he comes in and says I have to tell you what happened today. My heart sank. He said "I made an inappropriate sexual comment to a lady at work today." I didn't know what to say or do so I laughed. Yes I laughed!! Shock makes people do funny things. I had no words. My brain was running in overdrive.
He apologized to me and said he wants to go for counseling to get help. I remember thinking "okay if you want help then you have to do all the calling. I want no part of this." At this point I wasn't willing to make life easy for him. He made the choice, he was going to fix it on his own.
That night I didn't sleep much at all. The next morning the pain was so incredibly huge. Not physical pain, that would've been easier to handle, but emotional pain. I couldn't eat all day. I could barely function. All I could think about was what was happening to me, our marriage, and our kids. I took a shower that night and as I was standing in the water I kept turning the water hotter and hotter. I wanted to feel physical pain and I wanted to wash away the pain, the anger, and the fact that I couldn't trust Wayne anymore. By the time I got out of the shower, my skin was very red from the hot water. Wayne walked into our bedroom soon after I got out of the shower and when he saw the color of my skin, he started really crying. The realization of what he did to me and our children, broke his heart. The fact that he so nearly lost all of us.
And thus began our new life. Our new life consisted of broken trust, counseling appointments, tears, pain, questions, loss of sleep and trying to find my way through so much pain. To make things worse, it was right over the holidays. Normally a time when you're thankful, decorating, and doing fun things with the kids. But I was simply putting on a pretend happy face and surviving.
I finally felt like we were going to pull through, when I got hit with another bomb. Wayne had been going for counseling by himself for about 3 months when he informed me one day (while I was with him in the car by ourselves and couldn't escape) that he was into pornography. My heart sank even farther, if that was possible. What did I do to deserve this?? Was I really that awful of a person?? And more importantly I felt like I wasn't good enough again. I think the first words out of my mouth were "I can't compete with that."
I think that is one of the most HATED, DESPICABLE words I have ever heard! That one word is so powerful, that it destroys your trust, your marriage and everything else in an instant. And that one word took me to the very bottom. What it did to the little self esteem I had, my thoughts, how it made me feel and our sex life (not that our sex was good anyway but it did make it worse) was simply horrendous.
I started going to counseling with Wayne but it didn't take long for me to see that we were at totally different places in our lives. He was feeling relieved that his dirty secret was out and I was in a bottomless pit where I kept falling. I didn't know which way to go or what to think. We did work on lots of issues, but I still felt so lost. It was an incredibly lonely time for me. A few friends knew what was happening but NO ONE totally understood cause they never experienced what I was going through.
In the midst of all this chaos and confusion we ended up changing churches. We needed a church that was equipped to help and support us. So our counselor suggested a couple of churches and we ended up choosing The Door Christian Fellowship. We knew absolutely no one which made it worse, but we still felt like this is where we needed to be. We didn't go a lot the first half year. Partly cause it was summer and partly cause at this point I hated church. I hated going every Sunday and acting like we were fine. I hated being around people. I simply hated Sundays. We did get plugged into the church a little bit through a Life Group. We got to know some people but more importantly we started connecting. We started hearing some other couple's journeys through pornography and soon started sharing our journey with them. Through that Wayne found a couple of men that he really connected with who also struggled with porn.
Because of Wayne being at a different place in this journey and finding these two men who were willing to become his mentors and keep him accountable, he quit going to counseling. I knew that I still needed more so I switched counselors and started going by myself. I needed to work on my own issues and insecurities. To this day I am still going every other week. Sometimes I get so weary of going but I know that is the only way I'm going to figure things out and become a better person. God is doing a lot in my life. I am learning to see myself how God sees me and that I am perfect just the way I am cause He made me. I have learned to forgive - to TRULY forgive! And I am learning to see sex the way God created it to be - beautiful!
I could've let porn make me a bitter, angry person - which I was for awhile - but I knew I didn't want to stay in that place. So I chose to forgive. And let me tell you I didn't naively forgive Wayne. It took a really long time to get to that place of forgiveness. The biggest thought in helping me to get there, was realizing that NO ONE is perfect. To God, sin is sin. Lying, cheating, or whatever else is just as bad as porn. Yes, the consequences are different but to God, sin is still sin. So who am I to blame and judge Wayne or anyone else for that matter? That my friends, helped me to forgive Wayne, not once or twice, but three...four...countless times. However many times God calls me to forgive. Has it been easy?? Absolutely NOT!!! But it is so important.
The other thing that has helped me survive this is that is Wayne willing to fight for our marriage. Yes, I know he was the one to make the choice of porn. But let me tell you, he has fought for me, our marriage, for himself to get help and to earn back my trust. He wasn't going to let me go without a fight. And that my friends, is as courageous as anything I know. When I was angry, depressed and at my lowest he still fought and cared for me.
Another really hard aspect of all this, is trying to deal with our own problems and still take care of our four children. I felt like so many times they got pushed aside or yelled at because of my own frustrations and simply surviving. The summer of 2011 was the worst ever. Emotionally, I had had it. I couldn't sleep, I was tired of thinking and I was just simply DONE! Any extra noise or questions would send me over the edge. But you know, I just keep praying that God will redeem the past years in my life, our marriage and in my children.
Another thing that helped me survive was listening to songs. I couldn't always pray but I could listen. And that is what I did. Here's a chorus from one of the songs that would ring through my mind. "In His time, In His time, He makes all things beautiful in His time. Lord, please show me every day, as you're teaching me your way, that You do just what You say in your time." This is my prayer for our marriage, for my life and for our children.
Another promise I have claimed comes from Ecclesiastes 3: 3b-4 ".. A time to break down, and a time to build up: A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and time to dance." As we go through life there are different seasons and I know that this intense pain is only for a season. Although this journey will always be a part of our lives and the consequences of Wayne's choice will always be in our lives, to different degrees, I still want to have faith that God will make something beautiful out of the ugliness.
I don't admire the man Wayne was, but I do admire the man he has become. It takes a man to say I did wrong and then change for the better. It takes a man to honestly want to pursue my heart. It takes a man to give his wife space to grieve but still keeps loving her. It takes a man to break generational sins. That, my friends, is the man that Wayne has become. No, we don't have everything figured out. Yes, we still struggle immensely. Especially with communicating and our sex life. But we are on the right path and with God's help and the help of our friends we will continue to fight this battle.
Our journey is far from over, so I ask for your prayers. Prayers to intercede for us and to give us the strength we need to keep faithfully fighting this battle. From the start of our marriage we have claimed Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." I know that God has the best for our lives and for our marriage and I want to keep believing that. You see, for so long I had no hope. It hurt too bad to hope. But now I want to start hoping and believing again. The Christmas cards I sent out this year hold a special meaning for me. I picked one out that says Believe. I want to cling to that word and remember it even if I don't always feel like believing. I also want to pass that word on to every one who reads this- no matter what is happening in your life or has happened we still need to Believe.
Our next step towards healing will be to renew our wedding vows next August. It will be a beautiful time. A time where we can stand before God, our family and friends and say, "we have fought this battle and continue to fight and we will not give up." Satan has no power in our marriage. It will also be a time when we can recommit our hearts to each other. Also a time when we can give glory to God for what He has done for us and in our lives. Our story is not just ours, it is also God's story. That is why we are sharing our story, not cause we are proud of our mistakes, but because we feel God calling us to share our story so we can help others. We also want to be free, the kind of freedom that comes only from being honest.
As I close this post, I want you to remember that we have been fighting this battle for two years now and have come a long way. I would love to hear encouraging comments from you. I also want to thank the people that have stood beside us, who encouraged, prayed and held us up when couldn't see the way. We love you and are honored to have you in our lives.
It was a Tuesday and as much as I can remember it was like any other day until Wayne came home from work. I was upstairs in our room and he comes in and says I have to tell you what happened today. My heart sank. He said "I made an inappropriate sexual comment to a lady at work today." I didn't know what to say or do so I laughed. Yes I laughed!! Shock makes people do funny things. I had no words. My brain was running in overdrive.
He apologized to me and said he wants to go for counseling to get help. I remember thinking "okay if you want help then you have to do all the calling. I want no part of this." At this point I wasn't willing to make life easy for him. He made the choice, he was going to fix it on his own.
That night I didn't sleep much at all. The next morning the pain was so incredibly huge. Not physical pain, that would've been easier to handle, but emotional pain. I couldn't eat all day. I could barely function. All I could think about was what was happening to me, our marriage, and our kids. I took a shower that night and as I was standing in the water I kept turning the water hotter and hotter. I wanted to feel physical pain and I wanted to wash away the pain, the anger, and the fact that I couldn't trust Wayne anymore. By the time I got out of the shower, my skin was very red from the hot water. Wayne walked into our bedroom soon after I got out of the shower and when he saw the color of my skin, he started really crying. The realization of what he did to me and our children, broke his heart. The fact that he so nearly lost all of us.
And thus began our new life. Our new life consisted of broken trust, counseling appointments, tears, pain, questions, loss of sleep and trying to find my way through so much pain. To make things worse, it was right over the holidays. Normally a time when you're thankful, decorating, and doing fun things with the kids. But I was simply putting on a pretend happy face and surviving.
I finally felt like we were going to pull through, when I got hit with another bomb. Wayne had been going for counseling by himself for about 3 months when he informed me one day (while I was with him in the car by ourselves and couldn't escape) that he was into pornography. My heart sank even farther, if that was possible. What did I do to deserve this?? Was I really that awful of a person?? And more importantly I felt like I wasn't good enough again. I think the first words out of my mouth were "I can't compete with that."
I think that is one of the most HATED, DESPICABLE words I have ever heard! That one word is so powerful, that it destroys your trust, your marriage and everything else in an instant. And that one word took me to the very bottom. What it did to the little self esteem I had, my thoughts, how it made me feel and our sex life (not that our sex was good anyway but it did make it worse) was simply horrendous.
I started going to counseling with Wayne but it didn't take long for me to see that we were at totally different places in our lives. He was feeling relieved that his dirty secret was out and I was in a bottomless pit where I kept falling. I didn't know which way to go or what to think. We did work on lots of issues, but I still felt so lost. It was an incredibly lonely time for me. A few friends knew what was happening but NO ONE totally understood cause they never experienced what I was going through.
In the midst of all this chaos and confusion we ended up changing churches. We needed a church that was equipped to help and support us. So our counselor suggested a couple of churches and we ended up choosing The Door Christian Fellowship. We knew absolutely no one which made it worse, but we still felt like this is where we needed to be. We didn't go a lot the first half year. Partly cause it was summer and partly cause at this point I hated church. I hated going every Sunday and acting like we were fine. I hated being around people. I simply hated Sundays. We did get plugged into the church a little bit through a Life Group. We got to know some people but more importantly we started connecting. We started hearing some other couple's journeys through pornography and soon started sharing our journey with them. Through that Wayne found a couple of men that he really connected with who also struggled with porn.
Because of Wayne being at a different place in this journey and finding these two men who were willing to become his mentors and keep him accountable, he quit going to counseling. I knew that I still needed more so I switched counselors and started going by myself. I needed to work on my own issues and insecurities. To this day I am still going every other week. Sometimes I get so weary of going but I know that is the only way I'm going to figure things out and become a better person. God is doing a lot in my life. I am learning to see myself how God sees me and that I am perfect just the way I am cause He made me. I have learned to forgive - to TRULY forgive! And I am learning to see sex the way God created it to be - beautiful!
I could've let porn make me a bitter, angry person - which I was for awhile - but I knew I didn't want to stay in that place. So I chose to forgive. And let me tell you I didn't naively forgive Wayne. It took a really long time to get to that place of forgiveness. The biggest thought in helping me to get there, was realizing that NO ONE is perfect. To God, sin is sin. Lying, cheating, or whatever else is just as bad as porn. Yes, the consequences are different but to God, sin is still sin. So who am I to blame and judge Wayne or anyone else for that matter? That my friends, helped me to forgive Wayne, not once or twice, but three...four...countless times. However many times God calls me to forgive. Has it been easy?? Absolutely NOT!!! But it is so important.
The other thing that has helped me survive this is that is Wayne willing to fight for our marriage. Yes, I know he was the one to make the choice of porn. But let me tell you, he has fought for me, our marriage, for himself to get help and to earn back my trust. He wasn't going to let me go without a fight. And that my friends, is as courageous as anything I know. When I was angry, depressed and at my lowest he still fought and cared for me.
Another really hard aspect of all this, is trying to deal with our own problems and still take care of our four children. I felt like so many times they got pushed aside or yelled at because of my own frustrations and simply surviving. The summer of 2011 was the worst ever. Emotionally, I had had it. I couldn't sleep, I was tired of thinking and I was just simply DONE! Any extra noise or questions would send me over the edge. But you know, I just keep praying that God will redeem the past years in my life, our marriage and in my children.
Another thing that helped me survive was listening to songs. I couldn't always pray but I could listen. And that is what I did. Here's a chorus from one of the songs that would ring through my mind. "In His time, In His time, He makes all things beautiful in His time. Lord, please show me every day, as you're teaching me your way, that You do just what You say in your time." This is my prayer for our marriage, for my life and for our children.
Another promise I have claimed comes from Ecclesiastes 3: 3b-4 ".. A time to break down, and a time to build up: A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and time to dance." As we go through life there are different seasons and I know that this intense pain is only for a season. Although this journey will always be a part of our lives and the consequences of Wayne's choice will always be in our lives, to different degrees, I still want to have faith that God will make something beautiful out of the ugliness.
I don't admire the man Wayne was, but I do admire the man he has become. It takes a man to say I did wrong and then change for the better. It takes a man to honestly want to pursue my heart. It takes a man to give his wife space to grieve but still keeps loving her. It takes a man to break generational sins. That, my friends, is the man that Wayne has become. No, we don't have everything figured out. Yes, we still struggle immensely. Especially with communicating and our sex life. But we are on the right path and with God's help and the help of our friends we will continue to fight this battle.
Our journey is far from over, so I ask for your prayers. Prayers to intercede for us and to give us the strength we need to keep faithfully fighting this battle. From the start of our marriage we have claimed Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." I know that God has the best for our lives and for our marriage and I want to keep believing that. You see, for so long I had no hope. It hurt too bad to hope. But now I want to start hoping and believing again. The Christmas cards I sent out this year hold a special meaning for me. I picked one out that says Believe. I want to cling to that word and remember it even if I don't always feel like believing. I also want to pass that word on to every one who reads this- no matter what is happening in your life or has happened we still need to Believe.
Our next step towards healing will be to renew our wedding vows next August. It will be a beautiful time. A time where we can stand before God, our family and friends and say, "we have fought this battle and continue to fight and we will not give up." Satan has no power in our marriage. It will also be a time when we can recommit our hearts to each other. Also a time when we can give glory to God for what He has done for us and in our lives. Our story is not just ours, it is also God's story. That is why we are sharing our story, not cause we are proud of our mistakes, but because we feel God calling us to share our story so we can help others. We also want to be free, the kind of freedom that comes only from being honest.
As I close this post, I want you to remember that we have been fighting this battle for two years now and have come a long way. I would love to hear encouraging comments from you. I also want to thank the people that have stood beside us, who encouraged, prayed and held us up when couldn't see the way. We love you and are honored to have you in our lives.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Our story part 1, The beginning of our life together
I'm going to start with Wayne and my background and move on with our story.....
I grew up in a Christian family and went to church all my life. I have wonderful parents that love me and taught me about life the best they knew how. I have 5 siblings with myself being the youngest. The one thing that I did not know about or understand was the generational sin of not feeling "good enough." I knew growing up that I felt that way but I never told anyone nor did i know what to do with it so i just acted like I had life all together. I thought I didn't need people and looking back I didn't really trust God because I thought I wasn't good enough for Him either. I put up really high walls to protect myself from not being liked or wanted.
Wayne also grew up in a Christian family and attended church regularly. He too had caring, loving parents. There are 6 children in his family with him being the youngest and he was also a twin. From his family line comes a generational sin of sexual sins. Because his parents came from the Amish, they didn't talk much about the sexual sin so Wayne never understood how bad it was and all the underlying feelings that goes with the sexual sin. Before i go any farther i want you to understand that I am not blaming our parents or anyone else. I'm writing this so you understand where we came from and how it impacts the rest of our story.
We met each other when I was 18 and Wayne was 17. I wasn't going to like him because I thought he was too cocky. But he paid attention to me. Do you get that??? I was liked!!! We were together more and more then started dating. Our dating was not healthy because of the generational sins we were both carrying in our lives. Our dating time mostly consisted of us being alone and ultimately having sex together. Several months after we were together I ended up getting pregnant.
After talking about what to do, Wayne was committed to getting married and helping me raise our precious baby. So at the ages of 18 and 19 and seven months pregnant, we got married. Two months later our first son was born. He was a precious baby and we loved him dearly!!! But getting married did not take away all our baggage that we had. We did go for counseling at first but life was still so overwhelming. Trying to adjust to marriage and a newborn was really hard. Nineteen months later we had another precious baby boy. Two years later we had a precious baby girl, making three children in less than four years. None of them were planned by us but they were planned by God.
I started getting angry at God because I felt like he could do something to make me quit getting pregnant all the time. Didn't He care about our marriage?? I didn't tell anyone I was mad at God - I don't even know if I really realized it at the time. I started shutting down emotionally and simply surviving. Remember, I didn't trust God to start with because I wasn't good enough.
Because our dating relationship was built on sex, we never learned how to communicate and sex became a very negative thing for me. So much so that at the thought of having sex, I would almost panic and throw up. I never communicated any of this to Wayne; it also didn't help that his love language is touch. Not that he could change that even if he wanted to, but his desire for sex was so much stronger than mine. So the years went on with both of us stuffing all our feelings and simply surviving and acting like we had a good marriage. It's amazing how much you can hide in your life if you want to. 3 1/2 years later we had another precious boy which completes our family of 4 kids.
This leads me to the fall of 2010. A time that took me to my lowest point ever and a time that forced both of us to deal with our issues.
To be continued.......
I grew up in a Christian family and went to church all my life. I have wonderful parents that love me and taught me about life the best they knew how. I have 5 siblings with myself being the youngest. The one thing that I did not know about or understand was the generational sin of not feeling "good enough." I knew growing up that I felt that way but I never told anyone nor did i know what to do with it so i just acted like I had life all together. I thought I didn't need people and looking back I didn't really trust God because I thought I wasn't good enough for Him either. I put up really high walls to protect myself from not being liked or wanted.
Wayne also grew up in a Christian family and attended church regularly. He too had caring, loving parents. There are 6 children in his family with him being the youngest and he was also a twin. From his family line comes a generational sin of sexual sins. Because his parents came from the Amish, they didn't talk much about the sexual sin so Wayne never understood how bad it was and all the underlying feelings that goes with the sexual sin. Before i go any farther i want you to understand that I am not blaming our parents or anyone else. I'm writing this so you understand where we came from and how it impacts the rest of our story.
We met each other when I was 18 and Wayne was 17. I wasn't going to like him because I thought he was too cocky. But he paid attention to me. Do you get that??? I was liked!!! We were together more and more then started dating. Our dating was not healthy because of the generational sins we were both carrying in our lives. Our dating time mostly consisted of us being alone and ultimately having sex together. Several months after we were together I ended up getting pregnant.
After talking about what to do, Wayne was committed to getting married and helping me raise our precious baby. So at the ages of 18 and 19 and seven months pregnant, we got married. Two months later our first son was born. He was a precious baby and we loved him dearly!!! But getting married did not take away all our baggage that we had. We did go for counseling at first but life was still so overwhelming. Trying to adjust to marriage and a newborn was really hard. Nineteen months later we had another precious baby boy. Two years later we had a precious baby girl, making three children in less than four years. None of them were planned by us but they were planned by God.
I started getting angry at God because I felt like he could do something to make me quit getting pregnant all the time. Didn't He care about our marriage?? I didn't tell anyone I was mad at God - I don't even know if I really realized it at the time. I started shutting down emotionally and simply surviving. Remember, I didn't trust God to start with because I wasn't good enough.
Because our dating relationship was built on sex, we never learned how to communicate and sex became a very negative thing for me. So much so that at the thought of having sex, I would almost panic and throw up. I never communicated any of this to Wayne; it also didn't help that his love language is touch. Not that he could change that even if he wanted to, but his desire for sex was so much stronger than mine. So the years went on with both of us stuffing all our feelings and simply surviving and acting like we had a good marriage. It's amazing how much you can hide in your life if you want to. 3 1/2 years later we had another precious boy which completes our family of 4 kids.
This leads me to the fall of 2010. A time that took me to my lowest point ever and a time that forced both of us to deal with our issues.
To be continued.......
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