Part 2 of our story: Being Burned and Molded

November 23, 2010, two days before Thanksgiving, was a day that changed my life and our marriage forever.  My life and marriage was turned upside down and I was now living every woman's worst nightmare.

It was a Tuesday and as much as I can remember it was like any other day until Wayne came home from work.  I was upstairs in our room and he comes in and says I have to tell you what happened today.  My heart sank. He said "I made an inappropriate sexual comment to a lady at work today." I didn't know what to say or do so I laughed.  Yes I laughed!!  Shock makes people do funny things. I had no words.  My brain was running in overdrive.

He apologized to me and said he wants to go for counseling to get help.  I remember thinking "okay if you want help then you have to do all the calling.  I want no part of this."  At this point I wasn't willing to make life easy for him.  He made the choice, he was going to fix it on his own.

That night I didn't sleep much at all.  The next morning the pain was so incredibly huge.  Not physical pain, that would've been easier to handle, but emotional pain.  I couldn't eat all day.  I could barely function.  All I could think about was what was happening to me, our marriage, and our kids.  I took a shower that night and as I was standing in the water I kept turning the water hotter and hotter.  I wanted to feel physical pain and I wanted to wash away the pain, the anger, and the fact that I couldn't trust Wayne anymore.  By the time I got out of the shower, my skin was very red from the hot water.  Wayne walked into our bedroom soon after I got out of the shower and when he saw the color of my skin, he started really crying.  The realization of what he did to me and our children, broke his heart.  The fact that he so nearly lost all of us.

And thus began our new life.  Our new life consisted of broken trust, counseling appointments, tears, pain, questions, loss of sleep and trying to find my way through so much pain.  To make things worse, it was right over the holidays.  Normally a time when you're thankful, decorating, and doing fun things with the kids.  But I was simply putting on a pretend happy face and surviving.

I finally felt like we were going to pull through, when I got hit with another bomb.  Wayne had been going for counseling by himself for about 3 months when he informed me one day (while I was with him in the car by ourselves and couldn't escape) that he was into pornography.  My heart sank even farther, if that was possible.  What did I do to deserve this??  Was I really that awful of a person??  And more importantly I felt like I wasn't good enough again.  I think the first words out of my mouth were "I can't compete with that."
                                 
I think that is one of the most HATED, DESPICABLE words I have ever heard!  That one word is so powerful, that it destroys your trust, your marriage and everything else in an instant.  And that one word took me to the very bottom.  What it did to the little self esteem I had, my thoughts, how it made me feel and our sex life (not that our sex was good anyway but it did make it worse) was simply horrendous.

I started going to counseling with Wayne but it didn't take long for me to see that we were at totally different places in our lives.  He was feeling relieved that his dirty secret was out and I was in a bottomless pit where I kept falling.  I didn't know which way to go or what to think.  We did work on lots of issues, but I still felt so lost.  It was an incredibly lonely time for me.  A few friends knew what was happening but NO ONE totally understood cause they never experienced what I was going through.

In the midst of all this chaos and confusion we ended up changing churches.  We needed a church that was equipped to help and support us.  So our counselor suggested a couple of churches and we ended up choosing The Door Christian Fellowship.  We knew absolutely no one which made it worse, but we still felt like this is where we needed to be.  We didn't go a lot the first half year.  Partly cause it was summer and partly cause at this point I hated church.  I hated going every Sunday and acting like we were fine.  I hated being around people.  I simply hated Sundays.  We did get plugged into the church a little bit through a Life Group.  We got to know some people but more importantly we started connecting.  We started hearing some other couple's journeys through pornography and soon started sharing our journey with them.  Through that Wayne found a couple of men that he really connected with who also struggled with porn.

Because of Wayne being at a different place in this journey and finding these two men who were willing to become his mentors and keep him accountable, he quit going to counseling.  I knew that I still needed more so I switched counselors and started going by myself.  I needed to work on my own issues and insecurities.   To this day I am still going every other week.  Sometimes I get so weary of going but I know that is the only way I'm going to figure things out and become a better person.  God is doing a lot in my life.  I am learning to see myself how God sees me and that I am perfect just the way I am cause He made me.  I have learned to forgive - to TRULY forgive!  And I am learning to see sex the way God created it to be - beautiful!

I could've let porn make me a bitter, angry person - which I was for awhile - but I knew I didn't want to stay in that place.  So I chose to forgive.  And let me tell you I didn't naively forgive Wayne.  It took a really long time to get to that place of forgiveness.  The biggest thought in helping me to get there, was realizing that NO ONE is perfect.  To God, sin is sin.  Lying, cheating, or whatever else is just as bad as porn.  Yes, the consequences are different but to God, sin is still sin.  So who am I to blame and judge Wayne or anyone else for that matter?  That my friends, helped me to forgive Wayne, not once or twice, but three...four...countless times. However many times God calls me to forgive.  Has it been easy??  Absolutely NOT!!!  But it is so important.

The other thing that has helped me survive this is that is Wayne willing to fight for our marriage. Yes, I know he was the one to make the choice of porn.  But let me tell you, he has fought for me, our marriage, for himself to get help and to earn back my trust.  He wasn't going to let me go without a fight.  And that my friends, is as courageous as anything I know.  When I was angry, depressed and at my lowest he still fought and cared for me.

Another really hard aspect of all this, is trying to deal with our own problems and still take care of our four children.  I felt like so many times they got pushed aside or yelled at because of my own frustrations and simply surviving.  The summer of 2011 was the worst ever.  Emotionally, I had had it.  I couldn't sleep, I was tired of thinking and I was just simply DONE!  Any extra noise or questions would send me over the edge.  But you know, I just keep praying that God will redeem the past years in my life, our marriage and in my children.

Another thing that helped me survive was listening to songs.  I couldn't always pray but I could listen.  And that is what I did.  Here's a chorus from one of the songs that would ring through my mind.  "In His time, In His time, He makes all things beautiful in His time.  Lord, please show me every day, as you're teaching me your way, that You do just what You say in your time."  This is my prayer for our marriage, for my life and for our children.

Another promise I have claimed comes from Ecclesiastes 3: 3b-4 ".. A time to break down, and a time to build up:  A time to weep, and a time to laugh;  A time to mourn, and time to dance."  As we go through life there are different seasons and I know that this intense pain is only for a season.  Although this journey will always be a part of our lives and the consequences of Wayne's choice will always be in our lives, to different degrees, I still want to have faith that God will make something beautiful out of the ugliness.

I don't admire the man Wayne was, but I do admire the man he has become.  It takes a man to say I did wrong and then change for the better.  It takes a man to honestly want to pursue my heart.  It takes a man to give his wife space to grieve but still keeps loving her.  It takes a man to break generational sins.  That, my friends, is the man that Wayne has become. No, we don't have everything figured out.  Yes, we still struggle immensely.  Especially with communicating and our sex life.  But we are on the right path and with God's help and the help of our friends we will continue to fight this battle.

Our journey is far from over, so I ask for your prayers.  Prayers to intercede for us and to give us the strength we need to keep faithfully fighting this battle.  From the start of our marriage we have claimed Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope."  I know that God has the best for our lives and for our marriage and I want to keep believing that.  You see, for so long I had no hope.  It hurt too bad to hope.  But now I want to start hoping and believing again.  The Christmas cards I sent out this year hold a special meaning for me.  I picked one out that says Believe.  I want to cling to that word and remember it even if I don't always feel like believing.  I also want to pass that word on to every one who reads this- no matter what is happening in your life or has happened we still need to Believe.

Our next step towards healing will be to renew our wedding vows next August.  It will be a beautiful time.  A time where we can stand before God, our family and friends and say, "we have fought this battle and continue to fight and we will not give up."  Satan has no power in our marriage.  It will also be a time when we can recommit our hearts to each other.  Also a time when we can give glory to God for what He has done for us and in our lives.  Our story is not just ours, it is also God's story.  That is why we are sharing our story, not cause we are proud of our mistakes, but because we feel God calling us to share our story so we can help others.  We also want to be free, the kind of freedom that comes only from being honest.

As I close this post, I want you to remember that we have been fighting this battle for two years now and have come a long way.  I would love to hear encouraging comments from you.  I also want to thank the people that have stood beside us, who encouraged, prayed and held us up when couldn't see the way.  We love you and are honored to have you in our lives.